Competitive

I hate to lose. It really gets to me. Especially when you lose to the same team twice by one run. The toughest team in our league who holds an undefeated record. It hurts. I'm too competitive. I start going over the "should ofs" in my mind. We "should of" done this...I "should of" done that. My wife said she wished there was something she could do. She knew something was wrong when I came in the house all quiet. But, I told her just to leave me alone for awhile, so I could get over it. It's not happening. Here I am writing about it. I just need to vent.

Why am I so competitive? Is that the way God originally intended for His people to be? I'm not sure Adam was very competitive. Who was he going to compete with? Eve? I guess he could, but probably not and sleep in the same garden. I don't think that Adam originally had the need or desire to compete. He and Eve originally were in complete harmony with each other, nature, and God. Much changed when they crossed the boundary God had set. Chaos began internally and eventually passed on to the first two human offspring. Cain kills Abel. Why? Was he jealous? Competitive? Maybe.

I'm trying to make this competitiveness I feel fit into my Christianity. Was Christ competitive? I know He was zealous. Does that count?

I'm learning that being competitive isn't necessarily wrong for me as a Christ-follower. But, if I allow that competitiveness to cross the boundary it can become sin for me. I can be competitive for a game as long as I still love people. I can be competitive as long as it doesn't turn into bitterness or revenge-seeking when I lose. It still hurts to lose, but it would hurt even more to lose my integrity and reputation to others around me. Lord, help me.
Duane

Silence

My good friend and fellow pastor of Mosaic, Joel Gaines, wrote this poem that we used tonight as we examined the Christ's dependence on his Father. It reflects some of the struggles we battle in our minds when we know we need to spend time alone with God. These are great word pictures that describe what we all go through sometimes, the fears, the questions, and the results of silence and just being with the Father. "But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer." Luke 5:16

The cold fear destroys what guard I have

Naked, exposed like a victim

Gathering what protection I can

The futility of my defense

Longing for the noise of my wisdom to blanket this moment

Will I like what I find?

Courage to listen?

Passion to be?

Guilt for what I have been?

A sword that pierces?

A wildflower grows to exist

Reflecting the beauty of silence

Relaxed as the sun reflects its simple duty

Revealing the cruelty of those too consumed to notice

The value of existence

Why?

"Why in the world would God let this happen?" That's what I've been thinking lately. I don't understand. I'm supposed to be giving a report right now...a praise report...a report detailing how God came through at the last possible moment. But, He didn't. He chose not to. I don't know why, I just wonder. I want to know why, but I don't think He's going to tell me...at least not yet anyway...maybe never, in this lifetime. I'm supposed to be reporting about how I trusted God, had faith in God, and He came through. How He's an "on time God"...maybe not MY time, but surely on time or just in time. But He didn't. And now I wonder, why?

2 and 1/2 years ago, we put our house up for sale, packed our bags and moved to Culpeper, VA to plant a new church, Mosaic Church. God said to "go" and so we went, trusting that God would somehow allow our house to sell. It was out of our hands. We came with no guarantee of a job and not knowing a soul in this community. But God said "go" and so we went. God has since provided a great job and has grown Mosaic from 0-40. He has done some amazing things and provided in some amazing ways! God has put some great people in our life and we have made dear friends and relationships here. I'm confident that God has been in this journey with us every step of the way.

On Friday we received a letter from the attorneys that our house was foreclosed on. We had not been able to keep up with rent in Virginia and a mortgage in Florida, and because we weren't living in the home, the bank would not give us any help. The President's bailout wasn't any help for us and Freddi Mac never came through. Even after finally renting the house, the bank would not take payment unless it brought the mortgage current. Impossible. So, after exhausting every possible means of modifying the loan and being turned down, the bank finally foreclosed. We can add our name to list of millions here in America.

But, why? We trusted God. We stepped out in faith. We've seen Him do miracles in so many other ways and situations. Why not with this? Why in the world would God let this happen? As I shared my thoughts with a good friend tonight, he had no answers for me. How could he? But, he did remind me of some guys in the Bible who were in a tough situation. They knew God could come through for them. They trusted that He would. But there was no guarantee. It reads like this:

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:16-18

Did you catch that? "the God we serve IS ABLE to save us...but even if he DOES NOT." Could he? He could. Would He? They didn't know. But, they were still going to worship and serve Him alone. Boy, I needed that. Thanks, Matt. Could God have done a miracle in this terrible economy and allowed my house to sell? Yes, He could. He was able. But even is he does not...and he didn't, I will worship and serve Him alone.

So, I do have praise report. I don't understand God and his ways, but I will trust him anyway. I will worship and serve him alone. What a journey this is turning out to be!
Duane

Frozen Pond

My son surprised me yesterday. It wasn't the good kind of surprise, either, like when someone gives you a gift you weren't expecting. No, he surprised me with something that caused fear to come over me. We went for a walk down to the pond in the park behind our house yesterday, because the pond has frozen over with the very cold temperatures lately. We wanted to go see it and maybe step on the ice a little bit along the edge to see if it would hold our weight. It was a father and son adventure. When we stepped out on the edge of the pond, we could see that it was definitely frozen enough to hold our weight. That's when my son surprised me. Before I could warn him, he fearlessly walked out about 15 ft from the shore on the ice, and said, "I did this yesterday, Dad, I know it can hold me up." That's when the fear came over me. "What, you did this yesterday?" Now, I'm thinking back to yesterday. When did he come down here by himself? Then I remembered. We had asked him to go walk the dog, Buster, down at the park. Now, I knew. He had gone down there when he walked the dog by himself. At that point the "what if" fear began to grip me. "What if" he had broken through the ice and I wasn't around. Without becoming angry, but certainly wanting him to understand how serious I was, I began to instruct him to never do that again. This was something we were to do together, never alone. It reminded me that it is impossible for me to always know what my son is doing at every moment. This is not the first time I've been surprised and it surely won't be the last, but God is never surprised. Just that morning I read these words in Proverbs, "For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths." (4:21) God is never surprised! That is amazing, wonderful, and disconcerting all at the same time. He's never surprised at the good and bad things He sees. And, yet, He is still compassionate towards me. Disappointed sometimes when I want to do things my way, but always lovingly drawing me back to His perfect way. He sees me stepping out on the ice and flirting with danger. He doesn't remove the consequences if I fall through the ice, but He certainly there to dry me off and warm me up; reminding me that His path is always the best and I should never try to do life alone.
Duane